


Tourniquet

by Captainmintyfresh



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 22:04:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captainmintyfresh/pseuds/Captainmintyfresh
Summary: AU of the end scene of 3x03





	Tourniquet

Eddie could remember what it felt like the first time he lost Christopher. It had been a week after Shannon had left. A week of living in the terrifying reality of being essentially a single parent he’d left Shannon in when he’d re-enlisted rather than coming home. He’d been a mixture of exhaustion and anger, anger at Shannon for leaving, anger at himself for leaving her first, anger at the damn cereal aisle which seemed to have every damn cereal apart from the one that Christopher had insisted Shannon always bought him. He’d been shucking through boxes mindlessly and when hed looked down to ask Christopher if he was sure he had the name right there was no one there.

The next ten minutes had been the worst of his life as he scurried around the store screaming Christophers name until security had found him and started helping him look. When he did find Chris it was in the pet store next door giggling as he sat with a bunny rabbit in his lap and one of the employees trying to softly coax a rabbit off of Christopher's head.

Ten minutes, that was how long he’d lost Christopher for, he’d lost him the middle of a shop where he had security helping him look within a minute of realising he wasn’t at his side. Ten minutes before he found him  _ perfectly safe  _ in a hutch with two of the cutest bunnies to hop the earth. Ten goddamn minutes and for the next month he’d refused to take a hand off of Chris’s shoulder every time they were out of the house, would feel the guilt and panic nagging at him every time he looked at Christopher because he’d  _ lost  _ him.

He soon found out losing sight of a kid was easy. A few too many seconds spent talking to a friend or reading a damn cereal box and they’re off, frolicking with pets or hiding in clothes racks it was something that happened and that was day to day life not in the midst of a natural disaster. So he understood, god he really understood how it had happened even before Christopher had told him exactly what had happened. He knew it would be all too easy to lose grip for a second in the pull of the current, or have some debris block bucks vision of Christopher. It was a miracle Buck had even managed to get Christopher to safety at first. Eddie knew first hand how many people had been separated from loved ones during the course of the wave. 

He’d had a minute, tops, of knowing Christopher was lost amongst a tsunami, a minute, Buck had had hours, hours in which he hadn’t given up, he hadn’t had security helping him look, just had to keep on wading through the wreckage, searching, finding his glasses but not him. Even as Buck had first told him, voice breaking as he attempted to explain what Eddie knew the moment he saw the glasses hanging around his neck Eddie had understood. He’d been angry, furious and heartbroken, but not at Buck. Not when he _ knew  _ that it wasn’t Bucks fault, not really, when he knew, both from the blood on Bucks skin and the glasses around his neck and the echoing horror in the mans tone that Buck had done everything, would do anything, to find Christopher, to never lose him in the first place.

This, however, was all stuff that he didn’t tell Buck, not when the words of ‘it’s okay’ or ‘i understand’ were being suffocated in his throat. Not when he saw Christopher over bucks shoulder and felt the world right itself again as he raced towards him. Or when he was busy getting Christopher thoroughly checked over for injuries, or when he was getting him home, far away from the horrors of the day. 

It was only once he was home watching Christopher sleep that he realised he hadn’t actually talked to Buck after Christopher was found, at least, not past an agreement to Maddies ‘You should go home’ when he’d really taken stock of how exhausted Buck had looked.

He knew, from the guilt etching Bucks face the night before that he needed to talk to him, to tell him that no, he didn’t blame him, he didn’t hate him, and more importantly, Christopher didn’t either. 

And so he’d called Isabel to tell her that he’d have to bring Christopher around Friday instead packed enough snacks for an army and Lego’s to keep them busy for hours and rushed Christopher into the car. 

If the look of utter shock on Bucks face as he caught sight of them hadn’t told Eddie just how right he had been about bucks state of mind then the all but empty beer bottle on the table would have.

Eddie knew he wasn’t great at comforting people, or emotions in general. He’d grown up where ‘get over it’ was the best advice he could have and went from that to serving. Where lingering on the pain or guilt for too long could get you dead, where making jokes past the lumps in your throat threatening to drown you was the only way to keep your head above water. If you didn’t, if you let the emotions bubble inside of you and spill over you wouldn’t last long, either discharged when the horror of what was happening got to be too much to joke about or sent home in a casket. 

And so he tried, tried to say all he hadn’t said the night before to Buck. Of course, it didn’t come out as well as he knew someone like Bobby or Hen would be able to do it. It was still laced with jokes to bury the echoing memories of that one minute where he’d thought he’d lost Christopher, of the pain in his chest as his heart had all but stopped and Bucks voice had crunched like snow.

Perhaps too many jokes. He thought, as he went to leave. Buck wasn’t like him. As much as he loved to joke, as much as he’d survived he was still...softer. When Eddie hurt he would bury it, Tie it off like a tourniquet, effective in the short term but dangerous if used for too long, one day, Eddie knew, he’d need to figure out what to do when the tourniquet had to come off but, for now he could handle it. 

Buck didn’t, couldn’t, Buck picked at emotions like an infected scab. Painful at first, probably leaving a scar but, they would heal. Buck didn’t just want his emotions and self doubts acknowledged, he needed it. If not it would fester and, like the tourniquet, it would end badly.

“Oh, um…” Eddie stopped in the door. He’d meant to say thank you, meant to give him one final assurance that everything was okay but the look on Bucks face, so bewildered and cautious like part of him believed Eddie was still about to say sike, to drag Christopher back out of the apartment and blame buck for it all made the words catch in his throat and new words form as he swallowed. “I love you.” Eddie finished. Bucks eyes widened.

Eddie’s heart hammered in his chest, for once no jokes jumped to mind. Nothing to stem the flow of panic rushing through him as he realised what he’d just said. Acknowledging Bucks self doubt and showing him that he was, in all seriousness, grateful and aware of how much Buck had gone through was one thing. Blurting out I love you to your definitely traumatised straight best friend while your just as traumatised son sat fifteen feet away a whole other thing.

Eddie swallowed,sucking on his lower lip as he dropped his head in a nod.

“Well, Bye.” Eddie croaked.

“Ed-” He didn’t let Buck finish, slamming the door closed before he scuttled down the hall like the doors had just opened on black friday. Mind reeling a mantra of  _ this is why you don’t try and talk about feelings Diaz. _


End file.
